Discovering Flannel While Trapped in the Closet

My obsession with Grunge and 90s Alternative is a long and dense story that has influenced and affected my life in ways both big and small. Honestly this might be the hardest post I have written thus far for the blog. The reason being that up until recently Grunge and 90s Alternative was my favorite genre/era of music ever and everyone who knew me was well aware of this fact. Being a Grunge loving gay was kind of my identity for a long time, but ever since the advent of Gay Pop music that has suddenly changed. Looking back though there were warning signs that my days of Grunge's biggest gay fan were waning, but I’m getting ahead of myself so let’s start at the beginning.

Shortly after getting into the Spice Girls I started watching MTV and listening to radio. In that time I started hearing rock bands like Sublime and Third Eye Blind, who I enjoyed for their singles, but the first big band that caught my attention was The Smashing Pumpkins. The video for Tonight, Tonight completely swept me up with it's beauty and artistry. Then the Pumpkins did the song to the Batman & Robin film (and those who know me also know that after music Batman is my second biggest obsession.) The Pumpkin's contribution to that soundtrack The End Is the Beginning of the End was so entrancing that I bought the soundtrack on CD, which was the first CD I ever bought since I had the Spice Girls on cassette tape initially.

Eventually I would also see the videos for 1979 and Bullet with Butterfly Wings, which convinced me to buy the double CD Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, which was my first Grunge album. Over the next several years Grunge and Alternative Rock trickled in here and there. I got Celebrity Skin by Hole and Version 2.0 by Garbage in early 99 and later I got Nevermind by Nirvana from the Columbia House 12 CDs for a penny deal.

The real start to my Grunge obsession though began innocently enough in the summer of 2000 when I caught a strange music video on VH1 featuring demonic Teletubbies and Sarah Michelle Gellar. I had just gotten into Buffy The Vampire Slayer, which is still one of my favorite shows of all time, and I adored Sarah Michelle Gellar. So her presence in the video had me take notice, but it didn't take long for me to really grow attached the song itself, which had a nice subtle psychedelic pop atmosphere that lured me in even further.

The video was by a band who's name I had heard before in passing but I didn’t know much about. That band was Stone Temple Pilots and the song was Sour Girl. I eventually got the CD single of Sour Girl, but over the next year I discovered Stone Temple Pilots also did Interstate Love Song, which I had heard a lot in the late 90s but I did not know who sang it. Then I was watching a countdown on Vh1 of the 20 best songs of the 90s and that’s when I first saw the music video for Plush, which I also really liked.

Then I remembered Stone Temple Pilots did Vasoline, which I had seen on Beavis and Butthead years before. Again Beavis & Butthead exposed me to a lot of music and kind of built the foundation for my taste without me realizing it at the time.

Eventually I got Purple, Stone Temple Pilots' 1994 sophomore album, for Christmas in 2001 and it was at that exact moment that my obsession with Grunge and 90s Alternative took hold and its grip would only strengthen over time. I ended up getting the rest of Stone Temple Pilots’ albums on CD by the summer of 2002 and it wasn't long before I started getting Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam, Collective Soul, Screaming Trees, Bush, Silverchair, Sponge, The Toadies, Veruca Salt and more. I won't go into the specifics of each and how I discovered them, but instead go more into how this genre and era practically consumed my whole being for a long time.

First I was still making mix tapes in the early 00s and soon I started doing what I called Timeline Mixes. Timeline Mixes were ambitious projects where I would take all the songs I loved most from 90s Alternative and put them in a rough chronological order over several 90 minute mix tapes. I did this at least 3 times on tape and each time it got longer and more detailed until it was practically 2 mix tapes for each year of the 90s plus a few tapes to wrap things up in the early 00s. I ended up doing this multiple times on tape, CD and iTunes. In fact I have playlists for each year of 90s Alternative on Spotify and YouTube right now and there be a post later this week where I dive into those playlists for each year of 90s Alternative. For anyone who knows me timeline mixes are a Dougystyle signature.

The early timeline cassette tapes got left behind in my parent’s cars when I went to college and my mom would listen to them randomly since the radio in her car didn’t work anymore. I kid you not those tapes are how she became a huge fan of songs like Bullet With Butterfly Wings by The Smashing Pumpkins, Zombie by The Cranberries and Closer by Nine Inch Nails when I was away at college!

Then there was this girl my senior year of high school who had a crush on me, which I had suspected but I tried my best to keep us in the friend zone (think Love, Simon.) One day though she told me in class that she had bought used CDs off Amazon from Stone Temple Pilots, Soundgarden, Collective Soul, The Cranberries, Pearl Jam, etc. That's when I knew she was crushing on me.

In college I had my own radio show called Alternagold, which was all classic alternative. Through that show I met so many friends who are still my closest friends to this day. There's Andrew who worked for the station already and trained and shadowed me. We soon became good friends. Then there is Josh who I met through the school paper where I wrote reviews and I brought him on to the show eventually and it was Alternagold hosted by Dougystyle & The Mellmanator. Josh and I have been close ever since. Together Josh and I have gone to many rock concerts and have seen bands like Nine Inch Nails, the Foo Fighters, Stone Temple Pilots, Live, Collective Soul, Chris Cornell, Jane’s Addiction, Filter and more. Then there was Liz who knew Andrew and was listening to VIC when Andrew and I were DJing together one night. She requested the Toadies that night, who Andrew had never heard of, but I had the CD and I played her request to hear the Toadies’ I Come From the Water, which shocked but delighted her.

Later I was hanging out with my friend Jen, another good friend I am still close with whom I met in a class where we bonded over Madonna, and who attended most of the same rock shows I attended with Josh in the years to come. Jen’s roommate was sleeping while Jen and I talked a million miles a minute really loudly, which is usually how we spoke to one another and still do. Jen’s roommate eventually woke up and asked if I was a DJ for VIC and I said yes and then she asked if I played The Toadies for her and I said yes. Liz was Jen's roommate! Liz’s obsession with 90s alternative rivaled mine and she became a dedicated listener of my show and more importantly became another life long friend. She also took over Alternagold with Josh when I studied abroad in London for one semester. I helped pick out her DJ name which was Pretty Penny, which is the name of a Stone Temple Pilots song. At Liz’s wedding in 2014 the gift I brought was called The Grunge Box. Inside it had CDs, DVDs and Books dedicated to 90s alternative and Gen X films like Reality Bites, Clueless and Empire Records. On the outside of the box I pasted paper of 90s rock albums all over it.

Another college friend named Jill helped me come up with a DJ name for my show and hence where the nickname Dougystyle was born. While we don’t talk much anymore Jill still gave me my DJ alter ego and for that I am thankful. Through these friends I made over 90s Alternative I met other friends and my passion for music and especially 90s rock either bonded us further or rubbed off on them with Casey, Amanda and Will. It did feel like my love of Grunge and 90s Alternative had really been the foundation or at least the jumping off point for a lot of my friendships in college. I also loved doing Alternagold so much that I did not mind missing every Saturday night in college to do it I found it that fulfilling and fun.

In the years that followed I went to many concerts with friends and family of 90s rock bands. I then had my own online radio station on live365 called Dougystyle's Alternative, which I ran for almost 5 years between 2009 and 2014. I did everything myself from recording bumpers, talk sets and controlling the set lists. I had just started the station when I met my future husband Cory and for his Halloween party that year I came as a Grunger with flannel, ripped jeans, backwards baseball cap and a Nirvana shirt.

By the end of the 00s I had gotten my whole family into 90s rock with my Dad liking Live, Foo Fighters, The Goo Goo Dolls and Collective Soul best, my brother liking Tool, 311, Soundgarden, Radiohead and Alice in Chains the most and my mom kind of being all over the map from Third Eye Blind's Jumper to Closer by Nine Inch Nails to In the Meantime by Spacehog to Zombie by the Cranberries to Found Out About You by the Gin Blossoms to What's the Frequency Kennith by R.E.M to Two Princes by the Spin Doctors.

Recently my mom has become a huge Green Day fan. She saw them live 3 times in 2017! In D.C. I found a bar that hosted back to the 90s nights where multiple cover bands would play Grunge and 90s Alternative. I even celebrated my 30th birthday at one of them. At my wedding we played No Excuses by Alice in Chains on the dance floor! Not many weddings, especially gay ones, can probably claim that. We also played Live’s I Alone as people arrived and gathered for the ceremony.

But the question remains why Grunge?

For a young gay boy still discovering and struggling with his sexuality why did I take a hard left from pop divas & top 40 and dive deep into Grunge and 90s Alternative? I think there are a few reasons, some of which were clear to me back then and some of which have only become clear recently.

First just like I was told to stop acting so feminine and girly as a child I was also told how it wasn't cool to like girl pop during my early teen years over and over again. I was also told by everyone around me, including people in my extended family, that none of these pop girls had real talent and their music was disposable unlike all the music they liked. The pop girls were my last real outlet for my feminine side, which I had suppressed a lot of by the start of high school, but it still wasn't enough. In order for people to stop criticizing me fully I had to dump the pop girls.

Grunge though was a perfect solution for me around the middle of high school when I was 15 going on 16. Since I couldn't wear feminine clothing and I didn't want to stand out anymore Grunge gave me a fashion and identity that helped me blend in that I didn't have to try too hard at. On top of that Grunge was masculine music but devoid of toxic masculinity. The Grungers were feminists, pro LGBTQ and had cut out most of the sexism that comes with rock music. Eddie Vedder wrote Pro-Choice on his arm at their MTV unplugged performance. Kurt Cobain went on a rant in the liner notes for Insecticide saying homophobes, racists and misogynists need not apply to their fanbase. Sex Type Thing was an anti-rape song and Scott Weiland wore a dress when he performed it to drive the point home. I knew the Grungers accepted me as I was plus because it was still white guys with heavy guitars that meant that straight guys I knew wouldn't judge me for liking it either. It was a win-win!

Also pop music in general I thought got really bad in the 00s. Sure some holdovers were still killing it like Madonna with Confessions on a Dancefloor and Britney's music was in its prime during the 00s too, but I never cared for so much of what was popular back then. I don't want to list it all out but let's just say 90% of music on top 40 had little appeal for me during a lot of the 00s so going back to the past for music discovery was much more rewarding for me during that decade. Plus, the early 90s was just far enough away to have a nostalgic pull but close enough to be relatable to modern times. Basically 90s Alternative was too old for most of my peers, but too young for my parents so it felt like it belonged to me. Older music was also dirt cheap used! I could buy way more used CDs from the 90s than with most new music.

Even after I came out in college I still clung to Grunge and classic rock because it made me more palatable to straight people. I left a lot of myself in the closet in order to be accepted and gain validation from those around me. Grunge I feel was my defense shield as I could prop it up for being liberal rock music that supported people like me, but at the same time I could hide a lot of my gayness behind it too.

Grunge was also pretty sexless. It rarely talked about sex and relationships explicitly and that was actually soothing to me. I didn't have to think about hetero-normative relationships and that made Grunge relaxing to a closeted teen. I could disappear into the music and not be reminded of my sexuality. Grunge was also my emotional outlet too since I was suppressing so much of myself. Grunge is where my sadness and confusion could be expressed by proxy.

What’s ironic though is that many of my very favorite Grunge songs were typically the poppier ones that didn't fit the stereotypical Grunge template. Examples included the orchestral pop of Tonight, Tonight by The Smashing Pumpkins, the Simon and Garfunkel inspired folk pop of No Excuses by Alice in Chains and The Beatlesque pop of many Stone Temple Pilots songs. So even though I was not listening to as much pop I still liked rock songs that put melodies first as melody was still the element of music that could hook me more than anything else. Some of the really un-commercial Grunge music like half of Nirvana's Incesiticide & Bleach and all of The Melvins output did annoy me too. Each Grunger also had that one screamy punk song to prove their punk cred and I always hated those songs. Examples included Lukin by Pearl Jam, Tourettes by Nirvana, Weenie Beenie by the Foo Fighters or X-Girlfriend by Bush.

Yet there were signs that I was never fully part of the Grunge and alternative rock community at large from the beginning. At many of the concerts I slowly learned to keep to myself because of how terrible some audience members acted. One guy was moshing and crowd surfing so hard at a Foo Fighters show that he shoved me to the ground and kicked my friend Jen in the head! At my first Pearl Jam show the guy behind me was so drunk and obnoxious that he fell over his chair and spilled all his beer all over me. At a show for Live and Collective Soul I heard two guys talk about 90s Alternative and I tried to jump in and chat with them and all I got was silent glares!

Then there were the deaths of Scott Weiland and Chris Cornell. Cobain had been dead years before I got into Nirvana and Layne Staley died about a month before I got into Alice in Chains, but I remember waking up to the news of Weiland and Cornell’s deaths and being devastated. I cried because their music had meant so much to me and it was demoralizing to see these musicians all succumb to their demons eventually. Grunge was sad but it wasn't without hope, but it felt like there was no hope for most of the genre's leading front men. Also, as much as I loved the music and respected the artistry and talent of these bands I didn't look to most of them as role models. A lot of them were sadly drug addicts or alcoholics who never overcame their crippling addictions. Some went quicker than others, but they all seemed to be heading for the same sad fate. That's why these Grungers were really more of a cautionary tale then people to look up to. I loved the music, but I separated it from the people who made it a lot of the time and reconfigured it for my own life as a gay man struggling to come to terms with a culture not built for me. Still seeing them all die one by one wrecked me especially Weiland’s death. My husband can attest that I listened to nothing but Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver for a whole month to cope with Weiland dying!

Then in the 10s I started joining the online community on Facebook for Grunge and 90s rock and I slowly became disillusioned by what I saw. After the 2016 election I saw some ugliness come out like when a bunch of a guys on a Grunge forum were ripping on Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam for participating in the women's march. I jumped in trying to say Grunge was very progressive and feminist and I started listing tons of examples, but all I got were these guys telling me to shut up and to not put my feminist agenda on everything. They all acted like I had no idea what I was talking about. Then I noticed all the likes for my comments saying Grunge was feminist came from women who obviously agreed with me, but probably didn't feel safe jumping into the conversation which was very telling!

I kept seeing similar things on other groups and in other band's comments sections. "Fans" would rip on Green Day and the Foo Fighters for being pro trans & pro LGBTQ and anti-Trump while others were shocked to learn that the women in Veruca Salt and Garbage were GASP feminists!!!! As if it had never been obvious all along. Grunge was supposed to end toxic masculinity in rock, but it's fan base, at least online 20 years removed from the original scene, seemed to be overcome with it. My reasoning for why this happened is because Grunge was really the last time white guys with guitars ruled the music world. After that rock went into a slow but steady decline where it lost a lot of its cache and top 40 appeal to Pop, Hip Hop and even Country. For many straight white dudes the Grunge bands were all they had left and they clung for dear life on social media while erasing many of the female fronted bands of the time like Belly, The Breeders, The Juliana Hatfield 3, Elastica and Letters to Cleo.

Now I do want to take this moment to talk about the one Grunge fanbase who I found to be the exception online and that's the Stone Temple Pilots fans. After Scott died I was devastated and I turned to the groups on Facebook to mourn collectively. It was here I met some really awesome people who I am still friends with. Interestingly enough one of the fans I met online is also named Doug and is a rock journalist with whom I speak with frequently now. Doug told me recently that the reason he loved Scott Weiland, along with David Bowie, was how they were not typically masculine in their fashion and presentation. He told me he never felt comfortable with typical masculinity even though he wasn't gay, which I found to be a very illuminating comment overall.

Another friend I made, and I am not making this up, was named Josh and like my friend Josh from college they both adore the band Live! For the Josh I met through Facebook, he is still journeying back through the 90s so I like to I drop a song or band from the 90s that he doesn't know yet, but will probably love and then I let him go off and discover more 90s Alternative which is fun to watch. I introduced him to Brother Cane who have become one of his favorite bands now. I also know WAY too much about 90s Alternative, more than any healthy human being should, so it’s nice to be able pass my knowledge down to someone. We also both run our own Facebook group for Stone Temple Pilots called The Meadow (which was the name of the first single STP released with their new lead singer Jeff Gutt.)

On top of that, one of the Stone Temple Pilots groups I am a part of called Stone Temple Pilots Everlasting is run by a woman named Emily who does a great job and also doesn't put up with trolling or misogyny in the group either. She makes everyone feel accepted and puts the emphasis on the band’s music which is greatly appreciated. Another interesting thing that has occurred with Stone Temple Pilots fandom is their new singer Jeff Gutt, who replaced Scott Weiland 2 years ago. Jeff was on 2 seasons of the X-Factor and even made it to runner up the second time he appeared. Jeff built up a fanbase through that show that was mostly women. As a result, Jeff brought a lot more older women over to Stone Temple Pilots which I love. Jeff Gutt also did the impossible and successfully filled Scott Weiland’s shoes. Stone Temple Pilots latest release with Jeff as their lead singer was a great album that has allowed STP to be the working and touring band they always wanted to be but kept getting derailed from due to Weiland’s addictions. As a result of all this Stone Temple Pilots is the only Grunge band left where I still belong to a bunch of groups and pages on social media including Stone Temple Pilots Everlasting, which I follow on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I also still talk to STP fans online on a regular basis, which I don’t do with any of the other online Grunge fans now.

But the moment Grunge truly fell for me was the moment I discovered Troye Sivan. Now I finally had music that was not only an emotional outlet for me, but was talking directly to me as a gay person unlike Grunge where I had to make it fit my life. Plus, unlike Grunge, the gay pop music was fun and euphoric too. I felt more accepted at the concerts and the fans of gay pop made me feel like I belonged right from the start. I also truly looked up to these gay singers as people who empowered me and made me happier about embracing myself as a gay man and leaving my sadness and shame behind. The Grungers were relatable but tragic, these gay singers though were empowering role models. Plus, my husband loves the gay pop music too and enjoys seeing the gay pop stars live. Grunge, and a lot of hard rock, is not his thing (though he told me Stone Temple Pilots are his favorite of the Grunge bands because he’s a smart man ;). He enjoys going to the gay pop concerts with me and it feels like we finally have something to share musically and that's been great. Plus gay pop music has helped my sex life and that's a definite plus!

I think back on a VH1 Behind the Music episode (92 or 94 I can't remember) where one of the music critics said people kept asking him when there was going to be another Nirvana. His response was, and I am paraphrasing, that he didn't know when the next Nirvana was coming, but he did know that whenever that happened it wouldn't sound like Nirvana, but it would have an authenticity and passion that connects with a lot of people unexpectedly and that we need it now more than ever.

This comment stuck with me over the years because I really wanted another Grunge movement too, but all the bands who ripped off Grunge in the 00s like Puddle of Mud and Nickelback didn't appeal to me at all. I kept hoping though that something would happen and it didn't for 15 years, which is why Grunge remained tops for me despite some acts connecting with me like Silversun Pickups and Lady Gaga. Then Queer Pop arrived out of nowhere and I finally had what I had been waiting for but it was better than I had even hoped! Troye Sivan, Olly Alexander and Kim Petras were my Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains. Like Grunge had done to a bunch of Gen Xers in the early 90s, Queer pop change my taste almost overnight and changed my outlook on music too. And even though it's been a year since I discovered Troye Sivan, my pre-grunge loving self feels like a different person from a distance past. The person who still had a deep sense of shame about being gay is finally disappearing, but with him so too are his strong feelings for Grunge.

That said, Grunge was there when I needed it most. When I was deep in the closet and had no real friends Grunge was there to console me. It was my comforting sadness that eventually led me to doing things I would not have done otherwise and meeting so many people who are some of my closest friends now. A piece of my heart will always belong to Grunge and I am thankful for all the memories I have attached to it. There will always be songs from Grunge I will listen to until the day I die even if it becomes fewer and farther in between.

Plus, Grunge never dies despite how many musicians keep dying tragically. The bands still soldier on with new singers and their music still dominates alternative rock and classic rock radio stations. Kids still discover the Punk thrill of Nirvana, the sugary melodies of Stone Temple Pilots, the brilliant storytelling of Pearl Jam, the beautifully haunting vocal melodies of Alice in Chains, the overwhelming power and muscle of Soundgarden and the righteous feminism of Hole and Veruca Salt every year. Grunge never dies! Despite all signs to the contrary Grunge continues to soldier on despite the odds. There are also a slew of newer bands influenced by the genre from the past 10 years who I do love such as Silversun Pickups, Cage the Elephant, Royal Blood, Highly Suspect, Badflower and Teenage Wrist. These bands have become part of my regular rotation and are much better than the 00s bands who ripped off Grunge but missed the point and totally sucked like Nickelback, Puddle Of Mudd, Three Days Grace and Hinder.

As I said at the start this was a hard article to write because if I had written it several months before my opinion and feelings would have been different. I'm kind of in a transition on how I feel about Grunge and 90s Alternative overall. I feel that my stance on it will continue to change and evolve in the coming years. Grunge is no longer my greatest passion nor does it have the hold on me that it once did before. And while it's sad leaving a part of my life behind I look forward to the future (both musically and personally) more than ever before thanks to Queer pop.

At the very least I'm pretty sure Stone Temple Pilots music won't be going anywhere anytime soon. They have a permanent residence in my music rotation, but in the coming months and years STP will be sharing that listening space with a much different set of acts than in the past. Also Cinnamon is the favorite STP song amongst the gays in my life such as my good friend Tim and my husband Cory. It’s Queer approved!