Gay4Grunge: Nirvana

Nirvana will always be cool because Kurt Cobain will always be cool. There are many reasons for this, but one of them is because Kurt died at the age of 27. We love our rock stars to die young in a blaze of glory instead of growing old. As a result, Nirvana as a concept is forever eternal, which means there's lots of money to be made by exploiting Kurt's image and Nirvana's music long after Kurt's self-inflicted shotgun blast to the face. Kurt's death is an important part of his legacy and it's usually the first thing people learn about Nirvana now. 

I know that Kurt's death was one of the first things I learned about Nirvana when I was in 5th grade in early 1997. We were having some sort of party in class one day because students were allowed to bring their CDs to class that day to play. I remember two girls brought their Cranberries albums, which was the first time I had heard of them. Someone else also brought Nirvana's Nevermind and played the opening track Smells Like Teen Spirit. Now there's something you have to know about me back then, which may surprise many of you. I didn't really listen to music as a kid or at the very least I didn't seek out music that wasn't Disney related or what my parents were listening to, which at the time was mostly 80s Adult Contemporary acts such as Billy Joel, Steve Winwood and John Mellencamp. I mention all this because I had never heard of Nirvana before that day and it was also the first time I had heard Smells Like Teen Spirit. When I asked someone who this was, they told me it's Nirvana and then right after that they said their lead singer committed suicide. I remember being a little taken back by that for a few reasons.

The first being that I was still too young to understand mental health or the price of celebrity. I just figured all celebrities had great lives and I didn't think for a second that any of them would want to kill themselves. It also struck me on a personal level, because 5th grade is when I first started understanding that I might be gay and it was the first time I developed suicidal thoughts. My family had moved from Virginia to California at the start of 1996 and the school I transferred to in 5th grade was a real struggle from an emotional point of view. I had no real friends, all the guys made fun of me & called my homophobic slurs and I had a dark purple Jansport backpack. That backpack officially made me a target on the bus every day where I was mocked consistently and ruthlessly because I had audacity to like Purple as a color. I remember eating lunch by myself next to the classroom a lot too. This also coincided with my slow understanding that I might be gay, which meant I might in fact be all the things that I was being made fun of for, which terrified me at the time. At that time my bedroom window faced the fence and I remember thinking if I jumped out of the window just right I could hit my head or neck on it and die instantly and it would all be over finally. 

Once my parents found out that I was thinking these thoughts they set me up with a school guidance counselor as fast as possible. Eventually I did end up making some friends, but from that point forward my childhood was pretty much over and living my life inside the closet where I slowly drew back more and more from my peers became my new norm. I would discover the Spice Girls by the end of 5th Grade in May and they became my gateway into pop music fandom. I think it was not a coincidence that I got into pop music right around this time, because it became my escape from living in a world that had suddenly become so much more depressing and difficult for me. 

While I was more drawn to pop divas at the outset, I wasn't against Alternative Rock. I did enjoy hearing Alt Rock songs on the radio and MTV at the time such as Everclear, Green Day, Garbage and Third Eye Blind. I was also a devout MTV viewer starting that summer in 1997 where I would watch music videos and TV shows all day during that summer and would continue to watch MTV when I entered 6th grade. It didn't take long before I started seeing more and more Nirvana on MTV, because even by the late 90s, MTV was still patting itself on the back for helping break Nirvana to a mass audience. In fact, there is really no cable network that loves to celebrate itself more than MTV if you ask me. Still, I would eventually see the full music video for Smell Like Teen Spirit and then I would hear about all of Nirvana's previous appearances on the VMAS from Krist Novoselic throwing his bass guitar in the air and hitting himself on the head, to Kurt's backstage feud with Axl Rose at the 1992 VMAS, to Kurt & Courtney asking "Where's Axl" at the 1993 VMAS, to Nirvana's MTV Unplugged performance, which was revered by all who saw it. 

Then sometime in either late 99/early 00 I acquired Nevermind on CD from one of those Columbia House specials you used to see in magazines back then where you get 12 CDs for 1 cent. You then joined that CD buying club, but you usually were not obligated to stay a member so you'd usually cancel your membership after you received all your free CDs. I got it mostly just for Smells Like Teen Spirit and I didn't really listen to the album as a whole for a few more years. 

Then I got into Stone Temple Pilots and everything changed. As I recounted in my last 2 articles, I got into Stone Temple Pilots in late 2001/early 2002 and once I got all their albums I started looking towards other Grunge and 90s Alternative albums to get into and wouldn't you know it I already had Nevermind. That's when I finally started listening to Nevermind front to back and realized what an incredible album it is. There really isn't a bad song on there and they all flow together so we'll. It's rare for me to listen to an album fully, because most albums I feel have filler tracks but every track on Nevermind sounds like a hit. That summer I was listening to Nevermind all the time along with other Grunge albums and by the time I returned to high school for my junior year that fall I was now a full-blown Grunge fanatic. Grunge became my new defense shield where I wouldn't be made fun of for listening to it like I had with the pop divas and I would mostly be left alone. I really connected to the sense of isolation and sadness that came from most of Nirvana's songs and the other Grungers as well. Nirvana's music became sadly comforting for me as I stayed in the closet during my last 2 years of high school.  

It was around this time too that Nirvana was back in the mainstream conversation thanks in large part to the upcoming release of Nirvana's first Greatest Hits album, which was going to contain the final song Nirvana ever recorded. That song was called You Know You're Right and in the fall it was released as a single to rock radio and a music video was also put together for MTV as well. It's easy to forget now because you never hear it anymore, but You Know You're Right was a huge hit at the time. You Know You’re Right topped the Alternative Rock chart for starters as well as top 5 on the mainstream rock chart. Meanwhile the music video was in heavy rotation on MTV in between the latest from the likes of Nickelback and whatever disposable pop star was on MTV at the time. In this context the power of that song really stood out. There was something real and most importantly raw about You Know You're Right, which flew in the face of everything else that was popular in both rock and pop music back in 2002. Listening to that song it felt like you were getting an unfiltered look into Kurt Cobain's psyche and he was spilling out all his fears and depression for the world to hear. 

Despite the song being 8 years old by 2002, there was still an immediacy to You Know You're Right that jumped out of the speakers every time it came on. This is when I really started to understand the power Kurt Cobain had as a singer and songwriter and why his music continued to resonate even after his death. When you listen to Nirvana the looming specter of death is always there, but it also feels like Kurt is singing directly to you in a way that makes him and his music still feel alive. This is music that doesn't feel dated, because it feels as if Kurt is in the room with you every time you listen to Nirvana. You Know You're Right felt more vital and alive than most of what was on the radio back then and Kurt's voice could cut through everything else that you were hearing back then too. Kurt didn't lie to you. He didn't make promises he couldn't keep. He didn't sell you fantasies that were completely unattainable. He didn't sugar coat anything. He told you the truth and it wasn't always pleasant, but it felt like it needed to be said. 

Another reason Nirvana felt timeless was because Kurt Cobain was so far ahead of the times when it comes to misogyny, racism and homophobia. Kurt was never afraid to speak his mind and call out prejudice whenever he saw it. I remember reading the liner notes to Nirvana's 1992 rarities compilation Incesticide when I bought it in 2002 and this is what Kurt said: 

"At this point I have a request for our fans. If any of you in any way hate homosexuals, people of different color, or women, please do this one favor for us--Leave us the F*ck alone! Don't come to our shows and don't buy our records." 

Kurt was spelling it out as clearly as he possibly could that bigotry and prejudice were not tolerated by Nirvana and he didn't want money from those bigots either. You have to remember that Nirvana had only become a platinum selling act for less than a year by the time Kurt wrote and published that open letter in Incesticide. Most artists back then would never dream of publishing something like that and even in 2002 it felt just as rare to find a commercially successful artist take such a stand like Kurt had done 10 years prior, which is another reason I and many others still found Kurt Cobain's message and music very resonant. Besides Madonna, and maybe a few others, most artists didn't openly support the queer community until it was absolutely safe to do so in the social media age. In fact, it's now expected that all artists take stances on social issues and politics, but they do it to line their pockets honestly. With Kurt you felt like he said these things, because this is how he felt because Kurt had no filter. Everything Kurt said is what he actually believed. 

Kurt wasn't afraid to push buttons and bite the hand that feeds whenever the opportunity presented itself. A good example of this is when Kurt and Krist went on to MTV's Headbangers Ball, the show that had been a showcase for heavy metal music, but was mostly just hair metal up until that point. The Grungers were initially being showcased on Headbangers Ball, because that felt like the closest outlet MTV had for those bands back then. In typical Kurt fashion, he decided this was a moment to rattle some cages. Kurt decided to wear a big yellow ball gown for his interview, which immediately perplexed the show's host. Kurt simply explained that he thought this was a ball so he decided to dress up for a ball. What Kurt was doing here was trying to make many of the show's audience, which was mostly made up of straight white males, uncomfortable. Kurt hated the misogyny and toxic masculinity of 80s hard rock and this was his way of pushing against those types of bands. I will say that many of the queer artists I speak to who are fans of Nirvana such as, J GRGRY & Chaz Cardigan, always point to this interview as a watershed moment for them as queer people and as aspiring musicians. The reason being that it was the first time they saw a man in a dress on TV who wasn't going for overt comedy. This is yet another example of Kurt Cobain aligning and connecting to those who feel like they are on the fringes of culture including someone like Chaz Cardigan who wasn't even born when Kurt went on Headbangers Ball. 

Let's go back to Kurt standing against the hard rock of the 80s now, because it is an important piece of the Grunge puzzle and Kurt was definitely the artist who led the charge against hair metal the most. The band Kurt seemed to hate the most was also the band that initially really liked Nirvana and that band was Guns 'N Roses. Nirvana and Guns 'N Roses were both signed to the same record label and in the music video for Guns 'N Roses Don't Cry Axl is wearing a Nirvana shirt. Shortly thereafter Axl asked if Nirvana wanted to be the opening band for Guns 'N Roses' Use Your Illusion tour. Nirvana turned them down flat and from there things started escalating between the two, which climaxed backstage at the 1992 MTV VMAS where Axl threatened to hit Courtney Love if Kurt didn't make his women shut up. 

Even before this incident it's not hard to see why Kurt loathed Axl Rose. Guns N Roses were marketed as the more dangerous and genuine alternative to most of the hair metal of the 80s, but Axl still reeked of toxic masculinity. In fact, there's a Gun 'N Roses song called One in a Million where Axl literally sings about wanting immigrants and faggots to stay away from him. Axl was making his own racism and his own homophobia as blatant as possible, but no one was calling him out on it until Kurt showed up. To me this signifies the true fundamental split between 80s hair metal and 90s Grunge. Hair metal was not only about excess it was also about seeing how much you could get away with and using your white privilege in destructive and sometimes harmful ways. Let's also not forget that Vince Neil of Motley Crue killed a man drunk driving and only got a slap on the wrist for it. The Grunge bands on the other hand were using their privilege as white straight men for positive change in terms of how minorities were treated as well as being supportive of women's rights. Of all the Grunge bands Pearl Jam probably did the most with their privilege and I'll be going more into depth about that when I get to Pearl Jam on Gay4Grunge. 

Now let's get back to the fall of 2002 where I picked up Nirvana's Greatest Hits the day it came out and listened to it constantly. Eventually I would pick up the rest of Nirvana's catalogue not long after. On top of that there were Nirvana specials starting to air on VH1 and MTV such as Nirvana's most memorable TV moments and Nirvana: 3 & half years Forever and I made sure to tape every single one of them. You have to remember that back in 2002 we still didn't have streaming or YouTube yet. So, these TV specials were the best way for me to see older interviews and performances for Nirvana and for Grunge in general. Sure, all the other Grunge bands were still played a lot on rock radio, but they were no longer covered on MTV or VH1 nor were their music videos shown. These Nirvana specials were my glimpses into this era when I was in high school. 

Around this time, it's also where I started learning more about Kurt's chronic pain. Kurt had severe back pain due to a curvature in his spine, which worsened the more he played guitar. On top of that he also had stomach issues, which was diagnosed as irritable bowel syndrome. Kurt's chronic pain became so immense he started using drugs to ease the pain. I feel when people talk about Kurt's drug use and suicide, they don't always discuss that chronic pain played a huge role in both, because most people who don't have chronic pain themselves can't relate. My mom and my brother both ended up getting Crohn's Disease when we lived in California, because our house was right across the street from huge tracts of land used for farming. The pesticides used for all the agriculture is believed to be the cause for both of them getting Crohn's Disease and that's a big reason why we left California to go to Rhode Island at the end of 1999. Unfortunately, both of them still struggled with Crohn's Disease, especially my brother who said that sometimes the pain was so bad that he thought he was dying! My brother also said that most people really couldn't relate or empathize with him, because they didn't have the chronic pain he was going through. I truly believe that Kurt was alone in his struggles with chronic pain and had no one to turn to including doctors, who at that time didn't know how to combat extreme stomach pain like they do now. As a result, he just tried to numb the pain as best he could and if drugs were the only things that could help then that's what he was going to use. 

We got more of a glimpse into Kurt's mind and his struggles when a book collecting all of Kurt Cobain's journal entries and letters was put out in an oversized paperback around the same time that Nirvana's Greatest Hits came out. I remember seeing these journals in book stores all over and there were also plenty of magazines covering Nirvana as well. I remember reading that Kurt Cobain was the highest grossing dead celebrity of 2002, which made a lot of sense to me, but also gave me pause. As the years have gone on I have found the dichotomy of what Kurt stood for when he was alive and the business of making money off of him after he died to become more and more glaring. I also began to realize that it was not unique either. 

It's fascinating to me that figureheads who are sometimes the most oppositional and groundbreaking end up becoming huge moneymaking industries after they die, especially if they die young. Repackaging rebellion to teens has been part of rock and roll since the beginning, but it becomes a lot easier once the rocker is dead, because then they can be everything to everyone. People can claim a dead rock star as their own and not have to worry about that figure saying something that contradicts their view of them. It's also great for the record companies and corporations, because it's selling rebellion that is ultimately hollow, because there is no longer a real living person at the center of it anymore. Nirvana changed music in a way that took the entire industry by storm in the early 90s and for a few years the record companies were either trying to play catch up or simply threw their hands up in the air and just allowed all these bands to record some pretty uncommercial music. After Kurt died though the entire Grunge scene and Alternative Rock as a whole lost its figurehead and it lost most of its edge too. Almost 30 years later teens can now pick up a Nirvana shirt at any local Target and feel rebellious for spending 25 dollars on something that will line the pockets of those in power. In the end capitalism always wins, especially when it comes to popular music because all of popular music is built on capitalism. 

Yet, the fact that Nirvana is still marketable 3 decades later proves there is something about this band and Kurt Cobain specifically that continues to resonate. Just this year alone the new Batman movie used the song Something in the Way, the closing track off Nevermind, as the theme song to its movie. As a result, the song ended up becoming a huge posthumous hit when it landed in the Alternative Rock top 10. The fact that a 31-year-old song could still sound this fresh and relevant to younger listeners who were not even alive in the 90s speaks volumes about the enduring power Nirvana's music still has. Lots of people might not know what Grunge is anymore, but they still know Nirvana. 

Nirvana isn't just the biggest Grunge band they are the biggest rock band of the last 30 years and they only recorded together for 5 years total and they were really only popular for about 3 of those years before Kurt killed himself. Nirvana's popularity transcends the Grunge genre to the point that you can put Kurt Cobain up there with the biggest icons of all time. As long as there are teens who feel angst, there will be a place for Nirvana just like there was for me in the early 00s. While I was alive in the 90s, I never experienced any of Nirvana's music until years after Kurt died and yet I still felt so connected to it anyway when I was a teenager. As I get older, I find myself not feeling as connected to Kurt Cobain like I did in my teen years, but that doesn't mean I don't still listen to Nirvana's music constantly because I still do. The reason being that at their best, Nirvana made some of the best songs in pop music history. Songs that hold up to repeated plays year after year after year. At the end of the day the thing that now matters the most for me with Nirvana is just the music itself and honestly that's how it should be. Stay tuned cause next week I'm going to discuss that music in more depth as I count down my top 20 Nirvana songs.