The Healing Power of Leo Kalyan

Leo Kalyan is a pop visionary. What he is doing right now is unprecedented in the field of pop music. Leo is an openly gay pop star who is based in the U.K. but is half Indian/half Pakistani and he is mixing eastern and western music in a way I have never really heard before. Leo is also insanely talented as he not only writes all his own music, but produces it, creates all his album artwork and he possesses one of the best voices in modern music where he mixes Indian Raga singing with more traditional pop music vocal styles.

I first came across Leo around January of 2019 when I was visiting my parents in Hawaii. At that time, I was battling a recent concussion relapse. My initial concussion happened in 2013 when I was in a car accident. Since then though small bumps to my head can set me back in a major way and I had hit the side of my head about a month earlier before visiting my parents. When my concussion is at it’s worst I can fall into a very deep depression. In fact, sometimes the pain and stress of the concussion can send me spiraling into a very dark place. When I was younger and first dealing with my homosexuality, while also struggling to fit in at a new school, I first developed thoughts of suicide. Eventually those thoughts would recede even as I stayed in the closet for a long time. The concussion though had brought those feelings and suicidal thoughts back though.

One day after work I was so upset that I started crying on the subway because I felt so lost and hopeless. That night I did something I had never done before; I called a suicide hotline. I called them not because I was going to kill myself that night but because I wanted to talk to a stranger. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed by this recent relapse and I didn’t want to face my friends and family at that moment. I was actually put on hold and the person who eventually talked with me was not as comforting as I had hoped. I then called a friend and told her everything and that ended up being the call that helped me to feel better. I then told my husband when he came home that I had called a suicide hotline. A little later I finally opened up to my friends and family about how I was feeling, which showed me how much support and love I really had. Still the vacation to Hawaii to see my parents was not just a break from work, but it was my time to really heal from my concussion and find my center again.

Like I had done before in my life I turned to music. I was deep into my Queer Pop obsession and it was becoming a life line for me as I not only struggled with the concussion but also because the music was starting the process of helping me shed the internalized shame I still had inside me from being gay. I was listening to the Spotify Out Now playlist frequently on this vacation and this is when I heard Focus by Leo Kalyan. The song had a sexy but soothing quality to it that reminded me of Sade. Leo’s voice had an otherworldly quality to it as well that felt transportive, which is always alluring for me with pop music. I liked the how the horns mixed with the beat too as I am big fan of brass instruments in pop music. Overall, I found Focus very entrancing, hypnotic and calming. In fact, I found it healing and I wanted to learn more about Leo.

I started looking up articles about Leo and read as much as I could before I would start getting a headache again from the concussion. I soon learned how he was not only openly gay but also half Indian and half Pakistani and how this made him feel like an outsider. His skin color kept him out of the mainstream in the U.K. and yet at the same time his homosexuality was something his homeland was less accepting of compared to the U.K. Leo spoke of how diversity in the U.K. was usually including one black person and thinking that was enough and how those with brown skin were basically invisible to the greater culture at large in England. Leo would also discuss how his entire identity was political in nature whether he liked it or not. In Leo’s opinion pop stars like Katy Perry can get political whenever they feel like it but then retreat to pop songs like California Gurls, which was not a luxury he had. This really struck me because it was lining up with something I had started thinking about, which was how people who say they are not political usually have enough privilege already to sit out of politics because their privilege protects them no matter the outcome of any given election. Those who don’t have enough privilege to sit out an election also typically find that they are a political talking point, which also makes them seem less human to the culture at large.

I began to dig deep into Leo’s music during that vacation and discovered that while he had yet to release a full-length album he had a pretty solid body of work due to all the EPs and singles he had been releasing for over 5 years. His songs spoke of things I had never heard in pop music, at least not like this. First there was Fucked Up, which was about how much internalized shame and depression Leo had within him due to his intersectionality as a Queer man with brown skin. Here Leo sings of how he’s so Fucked Up because he grew up in a culture and family that wouldn’t accept him fully and how this had inflicted so much damage on his self-worth. Again, as I have said before Queer people grow up in a culture not built for them and it creates long term consequences for anyone who identifies as LGBTQ. Like so much of the Queer Pop I had discovered this was another song confronting this issue that had been absent from pop music until very recently.

Due to Leo’s race though his music went even further than just LGBTQ issues. First there was No Man’s Land where Leo sings about how his skin color makes him a target and a political talking point. The song drives this message home at the end when you hear a collage of sound bites from various British news outlets. These sound bites include journalists reporting how people want to stop immigration in the U.K. mixed with snippets from citizens of the U.K. spewing bigotry, but trying to conceal it by saying the country is too small to accept more immigrants. At a time when the U.S. is being torn apart at the seams by hate speech and harmful policies directed at minorities, this song is a reminder that other countries around the world can be just as closed minded and hateful too and that it’s really a worldwide epidemic. Another song called White Light touches upon this as well when Leo sings “where do I begin trapped in the wrong skin.”

Then there are the songs where Leo sings about the horrors of not being a straight man in his home country of Pakistan. In a song called The Edge Leo sings about the horrific punishments that are inflicted on men who are accused of being gay in Pakistan. These men who are accused of being gay (sometimes without any real proof that they are actually gay mind you) are blind folded and escorted to the roof of a building. Then once they reach the roof these accused men are shoved off the building to their death! The Edge is an eye opener to those of us who live in the west. While we know things are not great for Queer people in the east, we don’t really know the details until a song like this brings it to our attention. In the chorus Leo sings:

“They're pushing me closer and closer to the edge

In childhood I could fly, but now my wings won't spread

I wonder if love is a crime as I stand on the ledge

I'm guessing that this is my time as I stand on the edge.”

The line that always gets me is “I wonder if love is a crime.” Here Leo gets to the heart of the matter, which is that people are murdered simply because they love someone of the same sex even though it’s not only natural but beautiful. Leo is also an amazing storyteller who is able to put you in the POV of the people he sings about and this is especially true with The Edge. You feel every painstaking moment the protagonist is going through until he is pushed off the Edge to his death and then the song suddenly ends.

Then there is the song Qandeel Baloch, which is named after a real-life woman who was Pakistani and a YouTube celebrity. Qandeel Baloch was murdered in 2016 by her brother because he felt she brought dishonor to her family. Once again Leo gets to the heart of the matter, while also making you think when he sings lyrics like this:

“As a woman, am I the prey?

Men of God will have their say

Name the price that you're willing to pay

Just to be yourself today.”

Qandeel supposedly brought shame to her family because she simply wanted to express herself fully as a woman. She wanted to be sexual but also noticed and loved for who she is, but that was too much to ask for apparently. Even after her death many Pakistani people took to social media and said she deserved to die, which is horrifying but a real reflection of how gender roles and hatred can become a toxic combination that can suffocate those who don’t fall in. Leo once again sheds light on how living your true self can lead to devastating consequences. Qandeel Baloch makes you realize how far we have to go and how much we all need to work at a better and more inclusive future for everyone who lives on this planet.

Songs like Qandeel Baloch also remind me of Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. Like Eddie, Leo is a great storyteller who gives voice to those who are voiceless and sheds light on victims whose pain goes unnoticed by the world at large. Leo is also able to sing from the point of a view of a woman with so much compassion and empathy in a way no other male singer has since Pearl Jam’s 90s heyday. Yet unlike Pearl Jam, Leo was opening up my eyes and ears to the suffering that people on the other side of the world endure while shedding light on how those who are Queer but not white have even more prejudice and hate thrown at them compared to someone like me. Once again, like so many of these Queer pop stars it’s a message that should have been obvious to me all along, but it became more clear and obvious to me after hearing these songs, which proves how important art and representation can be.

Still Leo’s songs are not without hope either. Two of my very favorite songs by him embrace the beauty and freedom of Queer Love and Queer relationships. First there is Trevi Fountain where Leo sings about the joy and power of Queer friendships. Leo feels these friendships can be just as impactful as sexual relationships simply because they empower you to live your best Queer life. Then there is Horizon, which has my favorite chorus by him yet due to how catchy it is. That catchiness though helps drive home the point of the song, which is that while life for Queer people can be difficult there is a light at the end of the tunnel that makes coming out and finding love not only amazing but life affirming as well.

As I listened to his music more I realized I could pinpoint a lot of Leo’s musical influences such as Sade, George Michael, Chillwave acts like Toro Y Moi and Trip-Hop Acts like Portishead and Massive Attack, which was all very appealing for me. Yet at the same time there were a lot of eastern musical influences in his songs too like Bollywood and Indian Raga singing, which Leo employs quit often in his music. This combination of influences is actually pretty unique and when you add Leo’s intersectionality and his lyrics on top you get music that is not only different but groundbreaking.

People often complain about how there is nothing new left to do in pop music, but part of the problem is that we keep going back to the same limited influences and limited perspectives over and over again. We have not had music like Leo Kalyan’s before because pop music in the past didn’t value those who were too outside the white straight “Christian” male patriarchy. At the same time while some eastern music has influenced rock music over the years it’s never been as authentic or as deep as it is within Leo’s music. Yes, I can hear and spot most of Leo’s musical influences, but in all my years as a music fan I have never heard it put together quit like this and I definitely have not heard pop music from the perspective of a Gay man originally from Pakistan.

I also find Leo’s music not only entrancing but healing as well. There is a certain level of calmness and beauty to his music that not only relaxes me but transports me. While struggling with my concussion I had learned new relaxation and meditative techniques to help me heal and feel less stress. Leo’s music in a lot of ways gives me that same feeling I get from those techniques. Focus in particular is about Leo trying to find his center and balance as both a Queer man and a man with brown skin and how it can be hard to keep everything in focus when you are trying to balance all the different facets of yourself at once. I can tell you that dealing with my internalized shame and the chronic pain of my concussion while still trying to make it through everyday with a brave face was very exhausting and stressful at times. It feels like you are spinning so many plates at once and you could break at any moment. Yet Leo’s music was helping me to “focus” on all this while healing from it.

It wasn’t long after discovering his music that I looked up Leo up on Twitter and started following him and it was around this time on this same vacation that I also discovered MNEK. This is important because I then learned that not only were Leo and MNEK best friends but roommates! Another instance of how close and tight knit these Queer Pop stars were. I started posting about Leo’s music and commenting on his tweets and much like Cub Sport and Myylo he started responding back to me quickly. (Side Note: this vacation is also when I discovered Myylo. So this Hawaii Vacation was pretty pivotal for me in a lot of ways.)

As the months passed, I became more and more enamored with Leo’s music and I got my friend Will into Leo as well. Will now loves Leo about as much as I do. I also love Leo’s social media presence where he celebrates the beauty and power of nature through pictures of his travels around the world. Then there was Leo’s fashion sense, which like his music was a beautifully unique blend of western and eastern clothing and colors, which I would comment on and praise endlessly on Twitter. I used to think I didn’t care about fashion, but that was me suppressing that part of my gayness. Leo was blowing me away with his style and clothing and it reminded me that I in fact do love fashion and have denied myself that passion for way too long.

Leo, like Olly Alexander, isn’t afraid to speak his mind on social media when it came to LGBTQ issues as well as racism. Leo’s arguments were not only thoughtful and eloquent but empowering and reassuring. Like so many of these Queer pop stars it didn’t take long before I started looking up to Leo as a powerful role model. Leo also not only empowered me as a gay man, but he got me to think critically while opening my eyes to how important it is to stand up for those who are struggling more than half way across the world. He also spoke about internalized shame in one of his tweets. I responded to that tweet saying I too was still working through my internalized shame as a gay man but that gay pop stars like him had helped me greatly. Leo responded by saying something that has stuck with me ever since which is that it takes a lifetime to get over this shame, but that it does get better every day. I think about what Leo said to me every day now.

As of right now Leo has not toured the U.S. yet and I keep asking him when he is going to tour in America, because in this country, now more than ever, we need voices like Leo Kalyan in pop music. When Leo does finally come to Washington D.C. to perform live, I will be the first in line to get tickets. Until then I look forward to more music from him because no one is doing what Leo Kalyan is doing right now. Leo is charting his own course and blazing a trail for voices and perspectives that we are typically denied in pop music. Leo’s music for me is empowering, thoughtful, rebellious, political, compassionate, healing and most of all beautiful. I encourage everyone to give his music a listen today because it’s has a power all its own. I truly believe that his music played a role in my own personal healing both as a gay man and as someone who has struggled with a concussion for the past 6 years. When I finally see him live I am going to thank him personally for all that his music has done for me.